Chess Humor

All Things Chess
1

Thread creator’s note: Please add other good chess jokes or anecdotes to this thread! Enjoy.

Two typical American chessplayers, Anton and Vlad, were excitedly getting ready for the start of a new Swiss tournament at their club one Thursday evening. They came upon their good friend, another typical American chessplayer, Boris… and tried to pull him into the discussion of openings and variations that they might try to use that night. But there seemed to be a problem.

Unfortunately, Boris somberly told them that he couldn’t go to the chess club this week, because… “Well,” he fidgeted, “my wife won’t let me”. After a lot of teasing and razzing about this sad situation, Boris headed home - quite depressed. Anton and Vlad left to grab a quick dinner before they’d head to the chess club.

Later on when Boris’ buddies arrived at the club, they were shocked to see Boris! He was already there, at his favorite table - with his ChessLife in one hand, pieces set up and old scoresheets spread in front of him, reviewing his old games and some new learnings from ChessLife. Boris smiled as happy and carefree as his old self - typical for him, at least while he was playing chess, especially here on Thursdays. Of course Anton and Vlad were pleased to see him, but also a bit perplexed.

“How did you talk your missus into letting you come, Boris?”

“Amazingly, I didn’t have to!” Boris replied. Continuing the explanation: “When I left you guys, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a vodka to drown my sorrows. Then Lydia snuck up behind me, covered my eyes, and whispered softly, ‘Surprise!’”

“When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful new negligee. Then she said, ‘Carry me upstairs, tie me up, and then… you can do whatever you want!’”

“So… HERE I AM!”

2

The fact that the “typical American chess players” all have Russian names is an excellent bit of satire all by itself.

3

I crudely adapted this joke from a joke about a different game, but here goes anyways…

Two old men were playing a friendly game of chess against each other at the chess club one afternoon. They were seated by the window, and one of them noticed that there was a funeral procession going on outside. Even though it was his move, he stood, faced the window, took off his hat and bowed his head as the funeral procession went past on the street.
When it had passed, he sat down and made a move. His opponent said, “That was really touching what you just did.”
The first guy said “Yeah, well we were married for 42 years.”

4

main.uschess.org/forums/viewtopi … 675#p84675.

5

Consolidating this one into “Chess Humor” from a separate thread.
(My real intent - to jumpstart this badly-needed topic!) - TPG

Two chess players, Vlad and Igor, decide to play a game of correspondence chess. The only problem is that Vlad is at the North Pole and Igor is at the South Pole, both at totally remote outposts.

However, they have devised an ingenious scheme where every month, they arrange for a team of huskies to battle the elements from the respective base camps to the outposts in order to deliver the moves inside a weatherproof vial, strapped to a dog’s neck.

This plan works fine for a few years. By move 27, the game is reaching the critical middle game point, where a wrong move would mean disaster for either player.

It is Vlad to move, and for some reason, Igor does not receive his move on the normal date. Two months pass, then three, then six, then a complete year. By now, Igor can hardly stand the suspense and is climbing the walls with frustration.

Suddenly, he sees a team of huskies approaching through the blizzard outside. He rushes out, and with trembling hands, opens the container.

He unfolds the paper and can hardly bear to look at it. He tentatively opens his eyes and scans what is written on the paper:

“j’adoube”

[size=85]Copied and posted with permission: The Chess Zone - thechesszone.com/chess_jokes[/size]

TPG

6

I forget the source of this, but here it is:

To play chess well is the sign of a gentlemen. To play chess really well is the sign of a mis-spent youth.

7

According to the University of Chicago, the original quote was from G. K. Chesterton and went:

8

The exchange below actually took place at our club just last night, and drew a lot of laughter.

Just before we were getting ready to begin play, one of our officers stood up and announced:
“Before we start, some quick logistics to attend to. OK - Thanksgiving is coming up - naturally, the club is closed on Thanksgiving. And this year, with Christmas on a Friday… the club will be closed that Thursday, Christmas Eve. New Year’s Eve is of course on the following Thursday… the club will be closed on New Year’s Eve. So that’s it, unless there are any questions.”
A voice from the crowd piped up: “Yeah. What are we supposed to do, those days?”

I don’t know if it’s funny when you read it, but the timing and tone (last night) were hilarious. Only a chessplayer could ask such a question, and all the rest of us in attendance appreciated it!

9

There’s the golden oldie that applies to almost anything:

My wife told me the other night that I would have to come to a decision: chees, or her.

Boy… I’m going to miss her!